BREAKING NEWS: while our stars were distracted by feathery fans, camp cowboys and dizzying hyperbole, their Blackpool dressing rooms were beset by seaside bandits. Possibly pirates. Rumours that their haul included all of the judges’ low scoring paddles remain unconfirmed.
Yet how else to explain Saturday’s WTF marking? Of course, the judging process is hardly infallible – even on a good day, the panel basically treats it like a Dadaist poem, chucking numbers in the air and seeing where they land (“For your samba, you shall receive 6, 10, 38 per cent and a pound sign!”) – but this week included the following egregious bafflements:
- Three perfect scores for a quickstep with more gaps than a Times cryptic crossword attempted by Wayne Rooney.
- Three 9s for a smidge of samba during Big Bird’s cross-dressing wardrobe malfunction dramarama.
- Four 8s for a smooth in which Ben pulled a Derren Brown and performed the majority of the dance through the medium of OTHER PEOPLE with the POWER of his BIG MANLY MIND.
- Three perfect Charleston scores purely because Darcey like totally goofed and left Natalie’s “So glad you’re not dead smiley face!” card in Brighton.