Strictly Speaking Week 6

 Strictly Come DancingWell, look – we all know Halloween Week is godawful. There’s just no getting around it. Unfortunately, some deluded producer seems determined to keep it on the schedule, so for their sake, let us go through the top ten blindingly obvious reasons why it is an abomination and should never see the light of day again.

  1. Halloween is over At best, it’s nearly Guy Fawkes Night. So, let’s just open with a “Relight My Fire” cha cha, chuck a few Catholics on the pyre and call it a day.
  2. We’re not American They’ve given us many fine cultural exports (The Simpsons, Lady Gaga, Mandy Patinkin’s thoughtful beard) – blackmailing strangers for a free sugar rush is not one of them.
  3. Announcer Alan Dedicoat gets overexcited Give him a break. He’s only just figured out how to say “Lukosiute”. And “Kovalev” is still touch and go.
  4. Wardrobe gets overexcited Helena Bonham Carter called. She said: “GET YOUR MUCKY PAWS OFF MY DRESSING-UP BOX.” Also, the make-up had all the finesse of a six-year-old wrestling with a blunt crayon. On a moving train.
  5. Props gets overexcited Took me three rounds of scoring to figure out the paddles were meant to be ghosts. I thought The Snowman had picked up an extra holiday gig.
  6. The VTs. Oh, the VTs Other than establishing which of our pros can act (none of them, hilariously) and which of our celebs can act (none of them, worryingly), they are a painfully unfunny, squirmingly amateur blight on the show.
  7. We’ve run out of monsters The first Halloween Week, everyone got away with a dash of emo eyeliner and mutterings about Twilight. Now, we’re faced with scary…scarecrows? #reaching
  8. The ghost of Christmas future On a very good day, Bruce can find the autocue AND make sense of his cue cards. Add in a load of distractions and the whole thing falls apart. Isn’t that right, Dave? Err, I mean, Darcey? WELL, IT SAYS DAVE ON THE CARD.
  9. The (drunken 1980s disco) Time Warp We all know it was written to satirise pop songs given over to dance instructions, right? Right?
  10. The scoring gets spooooooky Even more so than usual. I mean, sure, whoever managed to embed glitter into every crevice of Ben’s pecs deserved a 9 for services to an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, but the dancing? Not so much, Len. More inconsistency, including the first 10s of the series to a half-Viennese waltz, half-Born Again baptism. As Patrick’s song so rightly howled, “SAVE US!”

Read my full Dance Today blog here

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